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Update On Life  
04:17am 11/06/2013
 
 
joker_tara
hello chaps, pip pip from merry ol crum lynne. haha, been quite the dilly of a while since I've updated this sodding journal, but here I am. Life has been going pretty good, last time I wrote i had people living with me and well, I wasn't very happy. Bruce and Jeff, yeah.... I made the huge mistake of allowing Bruce to move in with me when he lost his place. At the time it seemed like a good idea because I felt he was a friend. Lets just say that shit got old. I didn't mind at first because the main reason I did it was for financial reasons, said he'd help with rent, yeah well saying and DOING are two different things. Then the damned cat, Gary, I really did despise that little vermin. Things were ok for a bit, then Jeff moved in, was NOT my idea , might I add. Nicole opened her mouth. Not that Jeff is a bad kid but a bit of history there that I REALLY did not want being brought back to the forefront of my mind. So living with two people damn near drove me insane. Honestly it was awful, I downright hated it. Between Bruce's gf constantly being around on weekends which was a contributor to why I never came home from October to December and the fact that they weren't leaving fast enough, I couldn't be around any of them. But anyway, It's been 5 amazing months since I've had my home back to myself, I'm much happier, I'm in a better mindset than before. I have a full time job with Home Depot which I love, its great there, Im learning a lot in Hardware. The company treats me better than family dollar ever did. Recently Ducks and I have been hanging out more, which is great, I really missed her. The whole situation with Nick and her has been really rough on her, and it made me realize that we both gotta support each other, which is what I've been trying to do to the best I can. Believe me it hurt a ton when she started seeing him but hey, I figured after maybe a few months, if she can be happy then good. It was what she needed. In a way I understood her because she needed to find a balance in her life, or solace, if you will. So that I can respect wholeheartedly. Not gonna go into the whole breakup thing because, Ducky I know you'll read this and I don't want to drudge up the pain. Love you too much to make you flashback to that. But recently she found out some disturbing mess about the kid, and it honestly, if I can be truthful here, it broke my heart to see hers breaking. I guess its true, when you really are in love with someone, their pain is yours, because I feel for her. We talked on the phone one night about it and we went through the past couple years, told her there was nothing wrong with her, which is true. I'll maintain that till the end. I made mistakes which I own up to, no fault on her end. Then one day i left a voice mail and I let slip those 3 words, haha, yeah I didn't think she caught it, because I didn't want her to catch it. But she did. Not sure how she feels, given the situation with the bagpipe playing bastard but I know it'll take time to heal but we talked at my place the week before last and I told her I love her, that I still do and always will. I meant it, God I hope she loves me still, I do because I regret a lot of things and not being with her is the biggest. I miss her, miss falling asleep together on the couch, miss going places just to spend time together, I miss hearing her tell me she loves me. And no I'm not playing manipulator here, I'm just expressing how i feel. She needs to sort out her heart before anything can happen. I know that. She told me she doesn't want to get my hopes up and that's ok. I just hope when she does sort it out, I'm the one who can show her that she is loved. Hence why I've been kind of laying against her and holding her hand, to show her that she IS loved, that there is a heart that beats for her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RbcR_KSRB8
 
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Preview: Venom Rises (Fanfiction)  
11:54am 12/07/2012
 
 
joker_tara
John had had enough,to say the least. The other students mocked him at every turn, his home life wasnt getting all that better, but most of all, the classmates. They'd mocked him, constantly reminding him that he wasn't like them, he wasnt apart of the so-called "cool crowd". As he sat inside the church, he looked around and wondered when it would his turn, his turn to make them feel every ounce of pain, regret and hatred that they'd bestowed upon him. A feint noise came from the bell tower, but he heard it nonetheless and without even thinking, decided to take a look. "Child, you may not want to go up there, that tower has been closed off for years now" said the Nun from a few seats up. "It's alright Sister, I can handle a couple of creaky flights of stairs" came John's reply as he ascended the stairs as the noise continued. As he arrived at the top of the stairs, the noise seemingly stopped. "Hmmm, there's definitely someone up here, come on, whoever you are, I wont hurt you." Silence, total silence filled the room as the teen made his way up into the tower and stared around, looking for the source of the noise. Unbeknownst to him was the black presence on the ceiling above him. It watched him for a moment, and it could sense, no, feel his anger and hatred, his darkness even though he didnt show it.It knew then that he would be the perfect host, and together they'd be powerful. "You're here somewhere,I know that much" John spoke once again, just as the black presence zipped across the room and made it's way out in front of him, frightening the teen as it stood ominously before him. "What are you ?" he spoke, unable to hide the terror and amazement in his voice. The presence simply stood there and watched him, as he did the presence. "Are you a demon ?" The presence shook it's head "Are you an alien ?" the presence nodded. The teen stepped closer and the presence did the same, watching one another; John felt something stir within him, something telling him that this was what he wanted, what he needed. "Are you here to help me ?" he asked as he held out his hand to touch it, the presence began moving itself onto his body, the feeling of silk began to spread over John, from his feet moving upward as it reached his chest and a white spider symbol spread across the chest and back. His face covered behind a black mask connected with the rest of the symbiote and sharp almost razor like teeth shown as he smiled. "Yes, we are helping you, together we are one". With the bonding complete, John stood there, amazed at how good it felt, how good the darkness of the symbiote felt, his strength amplified and his senses enhanced. At that moment he thought about the next day,school. With a sadistic smile, he morphed his appearance surprisingly into a black dress suit and left the tower. Turning to the Nun, he smiled and tossed a crucifix to her. "I dont need this right now".
mood: amusedamused
music: The Outsider (A Perfect Circle)
 
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I Love You  
10:27am 20/07/2011
 
 
joker_tara
Im gonna start by saying that Im not perfect, I've done wrong, I've hurt people and I've hurt you in the past. But i'd be lying if I said that I didnt love you, because I do. Tara, Im inexplicably in love with you. More so than I ever was, more than I was 3 years ago, I think about you more than anything else and when you leave my home I miss you every single second. I havent been the best but I try to fix it. I dont want to live my life without you and I dont want my heart to be without you in it. I need you, I want you and thats all i have ever needed and wanted. You're part of me, you're the other side of me that makes me whole and gives my life a cause for existence. Everything that we've been through has, in one way or another, made us stronger. Its hard to see now, i know, but our love wont die, i'll die before i let that happen. Everytime we kiss i feel like its our first kiss, and that gives me strength. Your touch when Im sleeping makes my dreams all the more pleasant. I love you Tara Marie Ann Zampitella
mood: indescribable
 
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Scream  
08:03pm 06/06/2011
 
 
joker_tara

I'm tired, from work and stressing over bills. My head is clouded and my heart is beating fast. I started working at family dollar back in May, I like it. The people are cool, my boss is funny and awesome. I'm trying to get my money together to take care of rent and peco so let's pray. On to another subject, Tara. We've been spending time more recently which is great, she's all I've wanted and need. I really hope things are ok, I'm trying to prove I'm changing. Ever since April 14th (would've been 3 yrs) her and I have been like we used to in a sense. We cuddle, kiss and all that jazz. I just want this to be a new shot because I only have one more fuel tank left in me and I don't want to hurt her, I won't hurt her. I love her

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

tags: via ljapp
 
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It Was Only Just A Dream  
11:30pm 05/04/2011
 
 
joker_tara
Ok, so lately my mind has been everywhere, and i dont know if its a good thing or not. Main thing ? The person i love most in this world, Tara. It still hurts every day that i know she's not with me. Yes i know, i did this but i love her and am still in love with her. but i dont think she loves me anymore, and that is tearing my soul apart. I miss all of it, I miss falling asleep together, kissing and just holding each other. When i found out she was seeing someone, it broke my heart and made me wish i was gone. It still kills me now, I just wish she knew how i feel, i wish she trusted me, i wish she loved me again then i wouldnt be alone. I wouldnt be here each day crying in my room; Im breaking now and it hurts.....i love you
music: Nelly- Just A Dream
 
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Where to Start  
03:35pm 19/01/2011
 
 
joker_tara
Ok, so its been a few weeks since my last update, Ive been here and there trying to come to terms with the fact that my ex girlfriend is dating one of my friends, it still hurts but I found a way to bottle it up until I can see my therapist. I've been going on walks, writing and etc just to deal with it. I was heartbroken when she told me but I respect her more for doing so and I can honestly say that it made me trust her more. I spent time with her yesterday, it was a nice long ride up past Chadds Ford, it had been a long time since we'd done that, and it brought back memories. Good ones though, it felt like old times, I wanted to cry but held it in because Im trying to keep a strong front, it isnt easy for either of us but we're trying. I've been hanging with Brian, Nicole and Melissa and Kelly lately, they've helped a great deal, moreso Brian and Kelly. Brian's my best friend so naturally he's going to be concerned and ask me how things are going. Anyway, we rode up Chadds Ford and talked, listened to music and laughed, cracked jokes. Nigger jokes galore on her part, which is part of her insanely funny charm, I missed those days. On another note, Im working on getting into school, I just need to get my ass in gear and stop procrastinating, If Im serious then I need to show it, which I am. I really wanna attend Neumann, not just because my friends (whom are graduating) but because its a pretty decent school. But I will go with DCCC for now until I can afford it. My drivers license is also another matter, I had a job interview last week, it was ok up until I was informed that I'd need my drivers license, my interview was at Philadelphia Gas Works, I'd be a security officer for Covenant, the company my dad is with now. I was bummed but it's ok, it was a positive learning experience.
location: Home
mood: cheerfulcheerful
 
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Redoing  
05:11pm 03/01/2011
 
 
joker_tara
Ok, it seems like I'm letting whatever has happened to me make me into a cold person, that is NOT who I want to be. It's just the more I think about things, the more I slip into that. I was told that I'm behaving in a distant manner, as if I'm brushing them off. I apologize for that, Im doing my best to be strong and maybe I'm doing it the wrong way, I thought that if I shut off my emotions, if I didnt feel anything then I wouldnt have to open up but I have to feel so they can know that I do care and I am capable of change. Becoming heartless wont solve it and treating my friends like they're someone I've never met wont do anything but alienate me from them and everyone else. True, in the past, I would've solved things in that exact manner, staying to myself and shutting out the world so they dont see me; I dont want the world to see me now either, but if I am to have a successful life and such then I need to take it day by day and learn to adapt to the changes, no matter how much I dont want to feel it. I tried to immerse myself in things that would bring me into a peaceful state, and for brief moments, it worked.
location: Home
mood: calmcalm
tags: emotions
 
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Slowly  
11:11pm 27/12/2010
 
 
joker_tara
Ok so I got through Christmas, Tara and I exchanged gifts on Christmas Eve, it was a nice day. She got me a 30.00 Wawa gift card *YUMMY IN MY TUMMY* and a nice card that cheered me up quite a bit, along with Lego Batman: The Video Game for Xbox 360. It was the card moreso that made me smile, I love the game and the card but its the little things now that Im coming to appreciate. The little things that she does for me, that she did for me and also the major things she did as well. Not just materialistic but through other ways such as loving me and constantly being here for me when I had nobody else. I got her a card and a popcorn tin, it was the best I could do with what I had, I feel bad still but I did what I could. I hope she enjoyed them. I know that things are strained right now but I am working hard at getting her to trust me again, its one of my goals that Im striving for, I know that I need help as well and thats what I plan to do. My mental state is in disarray at the moment but its holding together enough that I can focus and live my day to day life, even though the smile I wear is a facade of what is truly behind it, I still get up every day, try to have some semblance of a good existance in the hopes that things will look up. Which they will, I just need to give it time, time heals a lot of wounds, but Im just praying that time can heal the wounds I've inflicted upon those that I have hurt. I havent cried much this week or weekend, I told myself that I'd get through Christmas and have fun with my family, and thats what I did. Being with my mother and brother made me forget about my troubles, made me forget that my heart is missing and it gave me a reason to laugh, smile and enjoy the company of those who love me. I hope to achieve in the New Year many of my goals, I hope to gain my drivers license and find a well paying job, to be a MUCH better friend to people. Tara, i know that you will probably read this and I say, good, because I want you to hear this, the Johnathon Briscoe that you love and care for will be back, He will be someone who can be independent and someone you can trust. Please take my word at this because this is something that has been pouring through me for quite some time, yes my actions need to reflect my words and they shall soon enough. I haven't lived up to many of my promises and I am sorry from the bottom of my soul. I have a lot to work on, such as my paranoia, bi-polar disorder and things and with the proper help I can achieve that.
location: Home
mood: draineddrained
music: I Dare You- Shinedown
 
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Again  
02:59pm 21/12/2010
 
 
joker_tara
Woke up crying again, it was worse than last night. My body is sore and I couldnt see straight. Im trying to fight off this pain and depression but its hard. Each time I rest I gain some peace but when im awake I become jumbled, tired and crying. I deserve to be like this I suppose, after all i've done. Im going to seek help in the New Year, so I can breathe again, so I can smile and be the happy Johnny. Save me

Posted via LjBeetle
location: Home
mood: Depressed
 
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Breaking  
05:36pm 20/12/2010
 
 
joker_tara
Ok so its been a while, and boy am I feeling shitty. I hurt the one person in my life that has never done me wrong, I broke her heart, over and over. I wish that things were different because whether she knows it or not, I love her. I dont eat anymore and have no desire to do so. Sleep is barely existant. I woke up crying. Almost screaming, i miss Tara that much. Im alone here in my home, while she.......... Im terrified of losing her, and it eats me up inside. I want to get through chrismas but I may not have the strength. I just want her to love me, to be here and save me. I need to feel alive before....
mood: depresseddepressed
 
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